i wrote this from the perspective of some loud ass kid this morning at the bookstore

i lost my Chinese grandmother!

and now...
now...
now I can't shut the fuck up about it.

my eyes are crimson dewy.
my voice is stained and pleading.

she's not dead-
my Chinese grandmother-
i just wandered out of her view...
which, to most 7 year old boys, is nothing to cry about.

but i like to cry.
loud.
because i'm a stupid asshole.

i've found her just now-
my Chinese grandmother-
and if the world was a just place
(which it isn't)
she'd be hitting me with a big purse filled

to the brim

with Zen rock gardens and fine porcelain,
because even though now she's back and I can hold her hand again,
I STILL can't shut the fuck up.

I just can't seem to Chinese win.

SWMF

Single Waxy Monkey Frog Seeks Same.
I'm new to this, so forgive me if I come off like a dork! It's been a while since I've dipped my toe into the proverbial "dating pool", but hey, that's what the webbing is for, right? I know, I know, lame joke. Let's see...I'm a pretty normal guy. I lead a pretty active lifestyle. I'm more of a climber than a hopper I guess. And naturally I love swimming. My unblinking stare has been called both sexy and unnerving, but I just like to think it means I'm listening to what you have to say. I don't really want to come off like too much of a goof, so I'll stop writing. I'd much rather chat in person. Give me a chance, let's meet, chat, maybe dance 'til we croak! I know, another lame joke. Trust me, I'm much cooler in person! And waxier.

PROFILE:
Ethnicity: Waxy Monkey Frog
Religion: Waxy Monkey Frog
Body Type: Waxy Monkey Frog
Height: 80mm
Smoking: No
Drinking: No
Children: Thousands - heck, maybe you're one of them!
Plans for Children: LOL!

PROFILE OF DESIRED MATCH:
Maximum distance: 3 branches
Ethnicity: Waxy Monkey Frog
Body Type: Waxy Monkey Frog
Height: 60mm - 72mm
Drinking: No

A bear is nothing but a tiger thrown in amongst conifers and made to appreciate a more spartan wardrobe.



But then i'm no zoologist . . . which should explain my lack of worthwhile college education, string of low paying jobs and the fact that I *still* don't have access to the most exotic (and, hence, delicious) animals that the metro Philadelphia area has to offer.

I went to the zoo. Once. Gorillas sat motionless just out of view (or so I was made to believe) and the goats of the petting zoo area had an unhealthy fixation on my crotch area when I ran out of the bountiful corn/other crap mixture that flowed forth from a modified gumball machine.

I attempted to cure the wry goats by filling my hands with dirt, pretending to get more 'goat feed' and then dumping the dirt in their mouths when they came to beg and bleat.

I taught them.

Attention, COPRHSJWSRC members:

It is my sad duty to inform you that as of today, July 2nd, 2010, The City of Philadelphia Rush Hour Screaming Joggers With Smoldering Rucksacks Club will cease operations. This is for our own safety, as I'm sure you can understand. It's unfortunate. For the past 25 years, members of the COPRHSJWSRC have enjoyed jogging through Philadelphia rush hour pedestrian traffic while screaming and lugging smoldering rucksacks, for both fitness and fun, and it is sad to think that the actions of a few bad apples would make this wonderful past-time seem suspicious in any way. The tragic results of yesterday's annual Scream 'n' Lug made the decision to disband the COPRHSJWSRC a foregone conclusion. Some of you have dissented, insisting that we can continue as a club if we merely stop screaming as we jog while lugging smoldering rucksacks. Still others have pointed out that it's the smoldering we need to eliminate - that non-smoldering rucksacks would serve us just as well. And a vocal few have argued that the mere presence of rucksacks at all is the issue. Let me be clear. With the COPRHSJWSRC, it's always been all or nothing. For us to honor our club's history, and for us to achieve the full satisfaction and joy that we have always striven for, it is pertinent that our jogging be:

a) during rush hour

b) while screaming

c) and carrying rucksacks which are:

d) smoldering.

That's it. Until we can safely resume the activity for which our club is named, in its totality, we shall cease any and all club activity. I am truly sorry, and I wish all COPRHSJWSRC a happy and healthy remainder of the summer.

Sincerely,
Dan Cleets III
President, City of Philadelphia Rush Hour Screaming Joggers With Smoldering Rucksacks Club

P.S. This Sunday, I will be having a few COPRHSJWSRC members over for an informal smolder seminar, exploring what materials produce a good, long lasting smolder in a rucksack and so forth.

P.P.S. From now on, let's call them backpacks.

(special thanks to Dom for brainstorming up that fake name for me)