My neighborhood topped the list of best places to trick or treat in Philadelphia! Read about it here!
I'd like to keep it that way, so for those of you who live in the NOT NUMBER ONE PLACE TO TRICK OR TREAT IN PHILADELPHIA here are some suggestions for absolutely undesirable treats:
Pennies - the penny is the godfather of the shitty Halloween treat. Nothing says "I rummaged through my couch and maybe in my bathrobe pockets to find something hard and cold and tiny to give to some strange kids so I can catch a glimpse of their mischievous joy turn to disappointment" like the penny.
Apples - another classic. It's almost passive aggressive in its awfulness. Sure, apples are great, but to give someone a healthy snack on the one day of the year when you're SUPPOSED to eat tons of candy. . . That's a big fuck you. If someone gives you an apple on Halloween, they hate themselves, and they hate that you're out having fun. Trust me, they were raised by terrible people, and they will crush their own children's hope. SERIOUSLY. Someone tries to give you an apple, slap it out of their hand - I mean SLAP it hard out of their hand, look them dead in the eye and say "Don't pile your bitterness on me, fuckface. I like myself."
Empty Snicker's wrapper filled with pennies, resealed - this is bordering on something a serial killer would do, I guess. Kind of creepy. Heck, at least a snicker's bar wrapper full of pennies is probably enough to buy . . . half an actual snickers bar? If you consider toying with expectations an art form, this shitty treat might be for you.
A personalized mini-A-Capella song - What you do is you take the second word of whatever the kid is, then make it a verb of the first word, and add "Tonight!!!" after it. "POWER RANGER!!! RANGERING THE POWERS TONIGHT!!!!" "Ooooh little child in a Power Rangers outfit, you gonna dance the niiiight awaaay! Oooh baby!" Seriously, make stuff up for like, 15 minutes. Don't stop singing. "Oooh young Power Ranger child! Dance dance dance! Heee!" Ad nauseum.
Tiramisu.
One of those mangos on a stick.
Caricature - offer to sketch a quick caricature of each child. Sketch fast and furious, ask them what their favorite hobbies are, and who their favorite movie star or athlete is. Then, when you hand them the caricature, it's just a picture of them fellating a rifle being held by Snoopy. Man, that would be a terrible treat to give.
Omelette station - this one really speaks for itself.
Crudites - ditto
Oh and for the record, this year I'm handing out artisanal chandeliers.
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