Just say no.

Guys this "Faces of Meth" site is really scary and sobering.

Bless this mess.

I've been thinking a lot lately about making a bunch of classy looking framed, calligraphy placards that say "Here I sit so brokenhearted/came to shit but only farted" and secreting them into fancy restaurants in my Fair City, nailing them to bathroom walls in appropriate sitting and teeth grinding places and then chuckling to myself whilst I savour smoked trout mousse and swilling a fine sauvignon blanc watching poor befuddled Mr. Spalding/Winthop/Grumplesticks toddle out of the bathroom complaining loudly about said placard.

Well said.

". . . [T]ea baggers believe stupid shit because they want to. It’s willful ignorance. They spin outrageous theories because they know that the naked truth about what they believe would make them look like giant bigots and big meanies. So, instead of saying, “I don’t want health care reform because I like a system where poor people are shut out because that means I don’t have to see them in my doctor’s office,” they start yelling about the slide into socialism. Instead of saying, “I’m an incredibly selfish person who wants to keep my government-funded Medicare, but I don’t want to see that single mom down the street get health insurance because she’s a slut and I want to see her suffer,” they say that Obama’s trying to take their Medicare and that’s socialism. They’re not confused because they were badly educated and don’t have a grasp on critical thinking. In fact, I think a lot of us would be surprised to find that the person hollering ignorant shit about Obama’s birth certificate often turns around and is highly competent at a job that requires the cognitive skills they don’t bring to their politics. They’re willfully ignorant, and this distinction should never be forgotten when trying to understand them."

"It makes me feel sexy."

I think the kids are gonna love the glamour shots Mom got made.

On Comedy.

The following is an IM conversation I had with a friend on some rules or "patterns" of comedy.

like who's on 1st?

well
thats more of a paradox
the who's on 1st bit
basically
a series of events is occuring
and it's being interpreted with two entirely different meanings at the same time

got it

basically you laugh at Whos on 1st
because our brains fail to sort out the confusion inherent in the change of context
inversion is another component of comedy
its the reversal of expected roles
like in Bros in the year 3000
the humorous premise is that total tool bags are the brain trust of a futuristic society
that can be humorous in itself

idk man

like to make something funny?
take an idea or a norm or more
and flip it backwards
that's the first part
once you find the funny
repeat it again and again until its no longer funny
"No, you're the homo."
is an example of the first two
now
creating a paradox with that info
you mash up the funny with the noot so funny and the truth it reveals creates a third funny
like
"no, you're a ghey fag"
"No, you are."
"No, i'll prove it by docking my bing bong with your donger."
"See how much my bing bong is docked up in there? That proves you're a nancy."
i realize i just explained some basic tenants of comedy with a protracted gay joke

You're welcome.

Complicated Universal Cum - I can hardly wait from fakediamond on Vimeo.

Dear Shop Rite

I recently purchased some Evil Milk, as advertised in your circular. Please help me. My cereal is now evil. My coffee is now evil. My cookies, by association, are becoming evil. Plus, I have an evil milk mustache.

Sincerely,

Doris Fauser

New London, Connecticut


P.S. Oh my God no the pancakes.

By Crom!

A close friend of mine was laid off from her job, the same job I was laid off from almost exactly a year ago. I thought back to many of the friends I made over my five years there, which led to all of the idiosyncrasies that nagged and annoyed me.
Many of my co-workers were religious (read: SUPER CHRISTIAN) types. There's nothing wrong with faith, but there's everything wrong when your cubicle is over-laden with so many religious tsotchkes that it overflows into the surrounding cubicles.

And I wouldn't mind the little God-related affirmations posted all over the multitude of cubicles and desks if just one extra phrase was inserted into each of them:

AN ANGRY


So, instead of "Each Day is a Gift from God", the tiny little heart-shaped frame on her desk would contain the phrase:


EACH DAY IS A GIFT FROM AN ANGRY GOD!


Specifically Crom, the God of Steel and Battle.
























The implication being that we should cherish each day that we are allowed to continue existing, for at any moment Crom may fix his baleful eye on us according to his cold, capricious whimsy.
And blast us into oblivion as he laughs from his eternal mountaintop.


So yes, be thankful for each day. But do not pray to Crom.

He does not listen.

Up the Zigguraut.

That's right. It being a quarter through 2010 and all, I figure it's about time to release "It" from the confines of this particular level, and allow "It" to take the leap to a place I like to call "The Next Level", or as some folks refer to it - "The Level After This One".

To sum up, it's time to take "It" to the "Next Level". It's also time to stop using big, flashy quotes and capitalization in this post.

Now, to be sure, since I've never exposed it to the next level, I'm not exactly sure what will happen. Great things could happen. It might really thrive there. The next level might be a place that it really likes. On the other hand, it might not be able to handle the next level, and might clamor to return to the relative safety and obscurity of this particular level. I hope not. It's explored this level pretty thoroughly, and I personally feel that it can benefit from a new level. The next level.

So, let's see what happens. It? Get in the catapult.

I can't stop looking at this promo image.

Ha ha! April Fools!
Got you!
I can't stop jerking off to it.