Happy Holidays.

Happy Holidays

Some fond memories.

Being 2 or 3 years old and being in the shopping cart with my mom and seeing her pick Apple Jacks out of another cart and putting it into ours.

Being 4 years old in the swimming pool at our family timeshare in the Poconos and swimming back and forth between my father and my grandfather.

Last September sleeping at my then-slam-piece's apartment around 5 in the morning. I was coughing due to allergies and woke up for a moment. My commotion woke her up as well. She went to the bathroom, then spooned up next to me. I was facing the wall. She cuddled up close and kissed me on the nape of my neck a few times, and we settled back to sleep.

Proof my aesthetic sensibilities are refining and more mature

On a two day trip to Manhattan:

-Fell asleep reading a book in a loft in the Upper East Side instead of passing out drunk under a newspaper in a Lower East Side dorm
-Wasted money on Japanese tchotchke at MUJI instead of the import video game shop in chinatown/Nintendo World.
-Went to see Vassily Kandinski exhibit at the Guggenheim instead of spinning around in a circle in front of graffiti in Bowery.
-Made poo-poo/pee-pee jokes with UCB friends at Momofuku Ssam instead of McManus'

James Cameron

I really wish Cameron hadn't made Titanic.
I still resent him for it.
He should be making more Terminator movies instead.

Titanic was originally just a set piece for a Terminator 3 draft.
It's true.
Arnold was supposed to time jump but mid air?
And then drop really fast and crash through the hull.
And then, while he was swimming away he was supposed to look back at the iceberg, then turn to the audience and say "Cool party." As a 4th wall breaking nod to his successful run as Mr. Freeze.

But then Arnold got tied up with Jingle All The Way which co-starred Sinbad so they were left with this huge set that was supposed to be wrecked.

And that's how James Cameron made Titanic.

True story.

It's a lot like this.

The Litmus Test

So, I'm on a dating site. Yeah, whatever. It's 2009.
Regardless, I've been having trouble connecting with (local) women who share my intellectual and aesthetic sensibilities. Here's my "what I'm looking for" section:

I am searching for a woman who is a paragon of a biologically superior mate. Indeed, I require one that possesses the physical attributes, sound frame, and countenance which implies you'd be a suitable child-bearer. Our coupling bestow upon me a high social status. I'd be respected as a leader of my tribe! In doing so, I'd be fulfilling a deeply-seeded survival instinct. My body would likely reward me with a rush of endorphins large enough to temporarily counteract my naturally low self-esteem. Yes. You should message me if you deem yourself worthy to inspire within me a desire to fill you with my seed, hoping to create a sprawling brood of pups: filled with my DNA and your physical superiority! Those children would go forth in the world and dominate their fellow men, carrying our genetic material to the every corner of this planet Earth. In that way, I can be immortal!

Immortal. . .

IMMORTAL.

Also, if you enjoy activities like board games and cycling.

Sitcom Formulae of the last two decades

sitcoms in the early 80's = FISH OUT OF WATER
sitcoms in the late 80's = MOM'S DEAD LETS HAVE A PARTY
sitcoms in the early 90's = STANDUP COMEDIAN IN REAL LIFE
sitcoms in the mid 90's = SINGLE GIRL IN THE BIG CITY
sitcoms in the late 90's = STANDUP COMEDIAN HAS A FAMILY
sitcoms in the Y2K = ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE STANDUP COMEDIANS
sitcoms in the 2012 = PUT AN ARAB OR ASIAN PERSON IN IT

I really dislike the phrase "no pun intended" because, hey, you're the writer. You just wrote it. What else did you write that you have no control over? I wish more writers would just own up and say 'yeah, here's a pun. I kept it in.' so it's kind of disappointing that when someone does it in an instance where there is no pun at all.

They just keep getting stranger.

Last night I dreamt that some former DJ acquaintances and peers, most notably Colette, and I worked at a run-of-the-mill office.

I had a dream about working in an office.
My subconscious desire is to collate marketing reports and file metrics from last quarter, and archive them with the last five years trends.

At one point we had to go outside and there was an outdoor festival cleaning up. A table sponsored by Burger King still had some Whoppers on it. Oh and then Lee Jones (a local Philadelphia promoter) told us to get going in 15 minutes. There was a boat, a mall, and a lime green Gameboy Color involved, as well.

Lit Crit

A few semesters back I had to look for some critical articles on Ted Hughes' "Pike" and "Flounders" and the first website match I got was for goddamn penis enlargement pills . . . should I have included that in my paper?

I think it might have made a really interesting argument that despite his macho, brooding exterior he's really just some asshole pseudo-intellectual poet limp-dicked creaseface.

"What is a poet? All balls, no cock", to quote my main soul brother Q-Tip from the song "What?" off of the seminal, semenal, Secinol, seasonal album "The Low End Theory". I don't know what that line means. Or why Q-Tip, a serial rhymer, would say such a thing.

I think it's important to remember that Q-Tip also questions, in the very same song:

"What is a liquor if it ain't 80 proof?" -clearly the answer on that is schnapps, chocolate based sludge or some sort of triple sec derivative.

"What's an MC if he doesn't have stamina?" -the answer here is Ma$e, who likes to retire almost as much as Master P . . . or Biggie, Eazy or Pac, all of whom can't help but die all the fucking time . . . or Dee Dee Ramone or "Macho Man" Randy Savage (who released probably the two single worst rap CDs of all time).

and finally

"What's America without greed and glamour?" -which is, du-motherfucking-uh, Canada

So clearly he's asking the wrong questions. In the wrong way. To the wrong people. At the wrong time.

Wrongly.

What would be my penal cord if it wasn't brown?

PANCHII

I had a dream about my ex. She made me so angry in MY DREAM that I started punching a wall. I felt pain. It woke me up, whereupon I found that I had been punching the wall while I was sleeping.