Found Fitness

In an effort to curtail spending in the latter quarter of 2010, I have cancelled my gym membership. However, staying in shape is still one of my top 28 priorities. Therefore, I have designed a rigorous new workout regimen in order to ensure my lack of membership does not cause (further) atrophy, weight gain, and stoopage of my approachingly zaftig-esque form. And I use the word "zaftig" fully aware of it's manboob connotations.

I have attempted to craft this regimen from found fitness opportunities. We generally don't recognize these opportunities in our everyday lives, but they are there, just waiting to be seized. Through the use of objects, people & situations I come into contact with during my normal daily routine, I will mold myself into a specimen worthy of ogling.

Sunday:

Morning- Sneak up behind neighbor's untethered dog. Poke dog's anus with novelty "Charizard" motorized lollipop holder. Elude.

Evening- 50 situps & 50 pushups!


Monday:

Morning- Walk to Art Museum and back. Kick everything along the way.

Evening - Dash from apartment into PSC without showing (expired) I.D. Hop onto nearest exercise machine and immediately start busting reps until forcibly removed from premises.

For HARD MODE workout: Forcibly resist being removed from premises.

For EXPERT MODE workout: Yell lots of homophobic and racist things while being removed from premises.

Tuesday:

Morning- Upon waking up, stand in middle of living room with one eye closed. Shadow box eye-floaties for 30 minutes. Get dressed. Chase eye floaters to art museum area.

Evening- 50 push-ups & 50 sit-ups!


Wednesday:

Morning- Make a businessman cry.

Evening: Watch Mad Men. Whenever someone says something condemning, lift dresser. Don't put it down until Don Draper says something omniscient, or until I see someone start smoking. Bonus-whenever Christina Hendricks appears onscreen, pleasure myself. EXPERT MODE - pleasure self whenever old lady secretary appears.

Thursday:

Morning- Place coffee table on curb. Watch from window. Whenever someone tries to take it run outside and tackle them. Once table is safely back in apartment walk to Art Museum and back kicking everything.

Evening- 50 Pushups & 50 situps & karaoke!

Friday:

Morning- Chase eye floaters.

Evening- Drink until violent. Wrestle nearest barstool. Drink until weeping. Undress. While nude & weeping, lift nearest jukebox/cigarette machine. Resist being forcibly removed. Kick everything along the way home.

Saturday:

REST DAY!


(Note: granted, many of these found fitness opportunities are not so much discovered than created)